This is the first entry and I chose to write about Attachments. The first time I heard this term in the context of social behavior, I was like “Ehh who even brought up this kind of naming”. I just remember one of my close friend from my school (Let’s call him 9R) was using it, saying that he hates attaching himself to people. 9R is kinda cracked in my opinion, I never understood how I became such a close friend with him.
Anyways coming back to Attachments. You might be expecting some story about how I attach with people or maybe some advice on how not to get attached or blah blah. But if it was the case I don’t think I would be writing it here. This is little bit different, haven’t found someone who could relate to this, and that’s why I’m writing this here.
As always let’s start with the back story. Spoiler alert: This is not something serious.
Backstory
From my young age (I don’t really remember when it started), I’ve had a strange habit while sleeping. I cannot sleep peacefully without a bedsheet to wrap myself up --- That’s how I pretend and demand for bedsheets anywhere I go. But in reality, I might not need the bedsheet to wrap or cover, but for a unusual reason - to smell it. Literally. I don’t know if anyone reading this has this habit (If you have this habit, please meet me).
At the start my parents and relatives used to think I’m unknowingly suffocating myself. Other reasons were that I was preventing myself from breathing cold air during nights. Not really sure how true these were. Occasionally these might be true though. Some of my relatives legit thought I was chewing the bedsheet throughout the night :) .
But for me, the smell was always a bit comforting and made me sleep. Eventually it became a habit. To the point where I struggle to sleep soon without a good bedsheet. By good bedsheet I mean the one that smells nice to me and comfortable. My parents also know this and they also know that this not something serious. It’s just nothing at this point.
Issues
Ok so what’s the issue now? I’ve had a lot of small issues here and there which would bother me slightly and I couldn’t rant it to someone relatable. Also me being a nice person and a people pleaser, I couldn’t say out this strange stuff to people who were causing the issues.
One big issue is that people around me abusing the bedsheet not knowing that I smell/sniff it to sleep. For example, in my hostel rooms, when my friends visit my room, they just randomly sit on it or put their legs/head/back on it. If you just imagine a bit, I hope you understand my problem. For someone who doesn’t smell it everyday and uses it normally, it might not matter but yeah for me, it matters. Little bit of smell change due to this, I would be just ditching the bedsheet immediately. (From here on, this entry is gonna get weirder).
Other issue is what I faced today, which I usually face every month or so --- Replacement of the bedsheet I’ve been using for a month. Until like yesterday, this replacement hasn’t hurt me much. But today for no reason it hit me like a truck. Usually, when I start of with a new bedsheet, it takes some time for me to adapt to its smell (mostly the fabric softener smell) and change its smell to the one I usually like (I don’t wanna elaborate, I myself don’t know exactly). In fact, I choose the new bedsheet by smelling (and of course, the one that fits my height). Within a week, I get accustomed to the bedsheet. This happens once every month.
Present
What’s so different today? First of all, sleeping is one of my favorite things to do. Connecting these two, I guess I slowly started developing attachments with the bedsheets I was using. Every time I wake up from sleep, it would be so hard for me to stop smelling the bedsheet I’ve adapted to. The thought of me smelling the bedsheet would induce the sleepiness in me at anytime. Practically speaking, I was more often excited in smelling the bedsheet and laying down than actually sleeping. It just became a part of me, almost like a partner :) .
Past few days had been rough for me and I had green-checked bedsheet which I’ve been using from May 16 (The day I came back to home for vacations). My mom has been shouting at me that I haven’t replaced the bedsheet in a month, and that I’ll catch all sorts of diseases. During the rough days, the bedsheet was one thing that made me subconsciously happy. I got too attached to it emotionally and was delaying its replacement period by a long stretch. Today that I’m at a good mood, I decided to replace it. It almost felt like cheating, to just throw the bedsheet in the laundry. I mean I had slept with it everyday for the past two months, valid reason I guess. All I can imagine is that bedsheet saying - “People just use others when they are sad and throw you away when they get better”.
When my mom was scolding me today regarding this, I started murmuring to myself that how I’ve attached myself emotionally to the bedsheet and its just not easy to throw it away like she says - hoping that she would ask me what I was murmuring and understand this thing. But as expected she didn’t care much. I kept on murmuring that no one wants to listen or understand. My skill issue there to be honest, but it is what is.
Final notes
Now I’m writing this entry, smelling the new bedsheet (Blue checked one). It smells nice but its very concentrated. Still I would like to smell the old bedsheet I put in laundry this evening (If it’s smell is retained). Prolly it got washed and cleaned, and absorbed the smell of the fabric softener.
Lot of yapping, but Chat! - is this how social attachments look/feel like? haven’t really attached myself to an opposite gender (Forget attachments, not even proper interactions existed). I don’t even know what “attachment issues” are. Maybe I’m using the word totally wrong here. Maybe I’ve experienced it but haven’t identified it properly. Let me end this entry now, its reaching 6000 characters.
Hope you liked the chemistry and rizzing skills I have with respect to bedsheets :)